Today marks a very historical moment in pop culture history. Justin Bieber is 18 years old. Happy Birthday, Biebs. We are so grateful for you — you made us remember the way we felt about a certain other Justin when we were tweens. And you’ve done so much in your 18 years, let’s take a trip down memory lane and talk about some of the crazy things you’ve accomplished.
1) You were the original YouTube star. Good job, kidrauhl.
2) You got Usher and Justin Timberlake to fight over you. Usher won.
3) You made purple a boy color. Now what about pink?
4) Just like Jennifer Aniston caused a sensation with the Rachel, you had every boy within the ages of 11 to 16 sporting your flawlessly styled hairdo. Everyone thought those kids had ticks because they were trying to copy your hair swish. You should really get that trademarked or copyrighted one day, btw.
5) You got Jaden Smith to make the best unintended, but really, intended pun ever, “No pun intended I was raised by the power of Will.”
6) You came out with a 3D movie that featured everyone from Usher, David Beckham, Miley, Drake and Boyz II Men, just to name a few. And you made everyone who watched it beliebers.
7) You ended up wooing our favorite Disney channel star, Selena Gomez. We love her. We love you. We’re on the fence about loving you two together. Why does it make us feel so wrong watching your PDAs?
8) You were supposedly someone’s babydaddy. But you weren’t. And you didn’t have to go on Maury to prove it.
9) You got a Jesus tattoo. Congrats, you’re going to heaven.
10) You racked up a couple of American Music Awards and Billboard Music Awards. You have yet to win a Grammy, but don’t worry. You have a hell of a lot of Kids Choice Awards and Teen Choice Awards. What do you do with all those surfboards?
We’re proud of you, Justin. And since we don’t have any gifts for you, and really, what can we give you that you don’t have? We wanted to pass along some words of wisdom and our hopes for you.
SARAH: Justin, I hope you don’t go the way of Justin Timberlake. God love him, but don’t ever think you can be a legit actor, stick to your music and appear in an occasional film every now and then. Also, if Selena ever cheats on you, don’t break up with her and make a music video with a model that clearly looks like her. You guys are supposed to be together forever. And you’re not supposed to reveal on SNL that you weren’t virgins back then. I wish you lots more success and even more trillions of dollars. You’re a talented kid.
SAM: Happy birthday, Justin. When you smile, I smile. I mean that. The way you swish your hair and talk about growing up poor in Canada…it makes my heart melt. Ah, to be eighteen. Really, you have your whole life ahead of you. And while I hope you and Selena make it, unlike a certain twosome back in the day (Oh Brit, it could have been so different…), I hope you find happiness wherever life takes you. Unless it’s with drug use. Just say no. Don’t be a Lindsay, okay?