I have a conspiracy theory about Zefron. No, I don’t think he’s a terrorist out to kill us all with those baby blues of his, but he sure is trying to make a point and brainwash us. Am I being paranoid? Maybe, but some recent events have made me channel my inner conspiracy theorist. I’ve dubbed his plan “The Sexualization of Zac Efron.” I’ve predicted that this plan will have at least 3 phases, if not more:
Phase 1: Drop Condom in Front of Hundreds of People and by Proxy, the Whole Internet
Zac was walking the red carpet at the family-friendly Lorax premiere. He was getting ready to do his thang in front of the cameras but just had to take something out of his pockets at that exact moment. It was imperative that he remove some gum wrappers, keys and OH YEAH, a condom. It fell on the ground, he picked it up and acted mischievous and embarrassed all at once. You’re sneaky, mister. With that one move, you let us all know that you’re having sex – but guys, don’t worry it’s safe sex!
Phase 2: Show Everyone Your Bare Butt
Over the weekend, Zac’s Easter present to the Internet world were photos of his hands down his pants, boxer briefs and the golden egg, his bare booty. Over a series of paparazzi vignettes, we saw Zac talking on his phone while scratching his crotch, bringing out a breakfast tray (what?) in nothing but boxer briefs and showing his cute little bare tush. You did know that sliding door was glass, right Zac? Of course you did. And don’t try to tell me that you didn’t know the paparazzi were there.
Phase 3: Sex tape, Incriminating iPhone Photos or Being Caught with a Prostitute
I mean isn’t that the logical next step? Phase 3 could go three different ways. Personally, I’d take the first two over the last one. I don’t want him to pull a Hugh Grant.
So what’s all this for? Why does he want to sexualize himself? My guess is not a lot of people see Zac as a masculine bro – sure, preteens, teens and a select number of twenty-somethings (myself included) think he’s pretty hunky, but the rest of the world isn’t buying it. They still think of that kid from High School Musical. No one is going to put him on the same playing field as hunky men like Gosling, Ryan Reynolds or Bradley Cooper. So he’s trying to tell us that he’s manly and an adult now. He also wants us to know that we should totally believe that he could play a marine in his new movie, The Lucky One.
Listen, Zac, I believe you’re all man. I like your tactics. But I might need some reassuring soon, so let’s hang out? On your balcony?